Jokes Part I
Laugh out your stress. Read the best Filipino lawyer’s jokes from Atty. Lauro (Larry) Gacayan.
Thank you, Atty. Gacayan, for sharing your jokes.
Atty. Abe: [To his Wife] I come home when I want to, I will go anywhere I like and when I come home, I want my meals ready! Is that understood?
Maldita: Okay, that is not a problem to me. But I want to have sex at 7 p.m. everyday, whether you are here or not!
Maldita consulted a sex therapist regarding her problem.
Maldita: Doctor, paano ko malalaman na sex maniac ako kasi lagi akung binibiro na ganyan daw ako ng mga kaibigan ko?
Doctor: Marami tayung gagawin na tests iha. Pero bago ang lahat, please bitiwan mo munba ang itlog ko!
Abe: (To the salesgirl) Miss pabili nga Parker pen.
Saleslady: Sorry po sir, wala po kaming tindang ballpen dito.
Abe: My God! Anung klaseng Penshoppe ito na walang tindang ballpen!
Doctor: Bago ka pumunta dito, may nauna ka na bang pinagkunsultahan tungkol sa sakit mo?
Abe: Sa albularyo po.
Doctor: Anung KALOKOHAN ang pinayo sa iyo?
Abe:Pupunta raw ako sa iyo dok!
QUICK CHECK ON BRIDE’S VIRGINITY
Gani is planning to get married to his long-time GF Maldita whom he was not able to bring to a private place during their relationship saying she wants to be virgin up to their honeymoon.
Gani consulted Atty. Abe, a sex guru, how he could tell if his bride is indeed virgin on their honeymoon.
Atty. Abe: Well, you need three (3) things. One, a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a small hammer.
Gani: And what shall I do with these three?
Atty. Abe: Before the wedding night, paint one of your testicles with red and the other blue.
Gani: What will these tell me whether my bride is really virgin?
Atty. Abe: If your bride says during your honeymoon “that’s the strangest pair of balls I’ve ever seen!”, then she is not a virgin.
Gani: Where shall I use the small hammer then?
Atty. Abe: After she says yours is the strangest pair of balls she has seen,, hit her head with the hammer!
Atty. Abe saw his picture being placed by his wife in her bag when going to work.
Atty. Abe: Love, lagi kung nakikita na dinadala mo ang picture ko sa bag mo kapag pumapasuk ka sa trabaho mo? Bakit?
Jenny: Pag may problema ako, kahit gaano kabigat, mawawala kapag nakikita ko ang picture mo.
Atty. Abe: Sabi ko na nga ba na talagang mahal na mahal mo ako eh.
Jenny: Tinitingnan ko lang ang picture mo, tapus sinasabi ko na sa sarili ko na WALA NANG PROBLEMA NA MAS MAHIGIT PA RITO—BABAERO, SUGAROL AT LASENGGERO—at kaya ko nang gawin lahat ng mabibigat na trabaho sa office!
MOTION TO RESET
Atty. Abe has just finished a Motion to Reset his case for tomorrow because of an urgent family matter to attend to.
Atty. Abe: (to his Visayan Secretary) Ipadala mo nga itong Motion to Reset kay Atty. Larry para hindi na pupunta sa kaso namin bukas sa RTC Baguio.
Maldita: Sir, ITITIlegram ko ba o IKIKI-ble ko, sir?
Atty. Abe: i-FUCKS mo na lang!
E G G
Atty. Richard was at the the Women’s Section of SM Baguio to buy a BRA as a surprise gift to his girlfriend Maldita.
Salesgirl: Sir, ano ho ang hinahanap nyo?
Atty. Richard: Bra sana para gf ko.
Salesgirl: Sir, what is the size of the boobs of your girlfriend?
Atty. Richard: I do not know eh.
Salesgirl: Is it as big as a papaya, sir?
Atty. Richard: No!
Salesgirl: As big as an apple, sir?
Atty. Richard: No!
Salesgirl: Ahhh..as big as an egg, sir?
Atty. Richard: YES!….but fried!
THE CASE OF THE DEFECTIVE ALARM CLOCK
Abe: First time na nagising ako dahil sa alarm clock namin!
Mar: Pards, di ba sinabi mo nun na sira ang alarm clock nyo, Naparepair mo na ba kaya ginising ka na niya?
Abe: Hindi pa friend.
Mar: Paano ka nagising dahil sa alarm clock nyo kung sira pa na sabi mo?
Abe: Yun ang ibinato sa akin ni misis kaya nagising ako! huhuhu
THE CASE OF THE DOMINEERING WIFE
Four (4) classmates in college were talking about their present lives in relation to their professions.
P/Chief Supt. Abe: I arrest people but when I go home, I’m the one under house arrest by my WIFE!
Law Prof. Rey: I give lectures to my students regarding their human rights but when I go home,I am the one being lectured by my WIFE!
Supervisor Gani: I am the boss at work but when I am at home, I always feel like I am just an ordinary employee of my WIFE!
Judge Caloy:I give justice to people but when I am home, I beg for justice from my WIFE!
AYAW NG PAMILYA NIYA
Brenda: Maldita, malaki na ang tiyan mo ah, ilang buwan na yan?
Madlita; Anim na buwan na fren.
Brenda: Ba’t di pa kayo magpakasal sa boyfren mung lawyer?
Maldita: Ayaw daw ng pamilya niya, eh.
Brenda: Sinong may ayaw sa ganda at kaseksihan mung yan? Ang nanay ba niya o ang tatay niya?
Maldita: Yung asawa niya!
THE CASE OF THE” EXPECTED” CHILD…
Three (3) close friends, Mae, Kristina and Brenda were talking regarding their pregnancies and their expected children in less than a month…
Mae, I am very sure that my child will be a girl because I prefer to be always on top when we are making love with my boyfriend…
Kristina: Me, I am very sure that it would be a baby boy because my boyfriend always wants to be dominant over me during sex and that he is partial to the missionary position.
They observed that their friend Brenda was very silent and about to cry. They asked why…
Brenda: I am so afraid I might be giving birth to puppies!
MAS MAGANDA YUNG SA ATIN…
Atty. Abe and his wife Jenny, had long been in silent competition with their best friend-couple, Atty. Rene and his wife Remy, in almost everything..
One evening while Abe and jenny were having dinner at Baguio Crown Legacy Hotel, a very young and sexy woman entered the restaurant, greeted Abe and even kissed him on the lips then waved goodbye. Jenny was shocked with the lack of respect to her by the lady. She asked Abe who is the girl and he confessed to Jenny that she is her mistress. Jenny stood up and berated Abe and challenging him that they will split up.
Suddenly, Atty. Rene and a middle-aged woman entered the restaurant with the latter tightly holding the right hand of Atty. Rene and they were very sweet with one another.
Jenny asked Abe who is the woman and Abe told her she is the mistress of Atty.Rene.
Jenny laughed and said I am not angry at you now. At least, nakabawi na tayo kina kumare at kumpadre Remy and Rene. MAS MAGANDA HAMAK NAMAN YUNG SA ATIN KAYSA YUNG KABIT NI PARENG RENE! hahaha