Jokes Part II
Laugh out your stress. Read the best Filipino lawyer’s jokes from Atty. Lauro (Larry) Gacayan.
Thank you, Atty. Gacayan, for sharing your jokes.
Isang araw, napansin ni John na sobrang problemado ang kanyang kaibigan na si Abe.
John: Mukhang may malalim ata tayung problema pare ah?
Abe: Oo nga pare.
John: Ano yun?
Abe: Pare, nabuntis ko yung sekretarya ko!
John: Di ba sinabi ko nun na hwag kalimutang gagamit ng contraceptives?
Abe: Pare, gumagamit naman ako ng condom lagi!
John: Makinig ka pare at ipapaliwanag ko!
Abe: Sige nga pare at takut akung malaman ito ng kumare mo.
John: May isang lalake na umakyat ng gubat na may dala-dalang payong. Biglang may sumalubong sa kanya na malaking tigre na akmang papatay sa kanya. Kinalabit niya ang pindutan ng payung niya at may narinig siyang malakas na tunog ng baril. Patay ang malaking tigre!
Abe: Hahahaha..Imposible naman yun pare! BAKA MAY IBANG TUMIRA SA TIGRE PARE!
NAPANSIN NI MISIS…
Misis: Inday, napansin mo ba ang barong ni Sir mo nung nilabhan mo na may lipstick eh hindi naman ako naglilipstick ng ganitong kulay?
Inday: Opo ma’am kaya galit na galit nga po ako. Mukhang niloloko na tayo ni sir ah?
NAAAWA SA ASAWA
During cross-examination in a trial for Parricide…
Atty. Abe (Private Prosecutor): Habang pinapanuod mng inumin ang kapeng may lason ang namayapa mong asawa, hindi ka man lang ba naawa sa kanya kahit isang beses?
Diana (Wife-Accused): Naawa naman po ako.
Atty. Abe: At kailan yun?
Diana: Nun’ng humingi pa ng isa pang tasa ng kape!
ANG BABAE, BOW…
May babae na talagang maganda; meron din mga babae na maganda lang sa malayo; at meron din namang mga babaeng malayung maging maganda…
K A L A N D I A N
In Abe’s Math Class…
Teacher: Abe, kung may 5 akung anak sa una kung boyfriend, 7 anak sa ikalawa kung boyfriend at 4 na anak sa ikatlo kung boyfriend, meron akung…
Abe: KALANDIAN po. Isa kang karengkeng, malandi, haliparot, pokpok, imoral ma’am!
Teacher: Get out. Bagsak ka na sa subject ko! hehehe
A DENTIST’S ADVICE…
Please treat your boyfriend or girlfriend like your toothbrush…
Do not let anybody use it while you are still using it….and
CHANGE IT EVERY MONTH! hehehe
A DYING MAN’S CONFESSION…
Abe felt that he was dying so he feels it is high time to confess his sins to his wife..
Abe: Love, I have something to confess.
Marie: There’s no need to, baby.
Abe: No, I insist. I want to die with a clear conscience.I want to die in peace.
Abe: I had sex with your sister Alma. Also with your best friend Mae and her best friend Joy. Lastly, I had also sex with your widowed mother, Genevieve.
Marie: I know. Please just rest and let the poison work!
Teacher: Ano ang holiday para sa mga magkakasintahan?
Abe: Valentine’s Day Ma’am!
Teacher: Ano naman ang holiday para sa ating mga nanay?
Abe: Mother’s Day, Ma’am.
Teacher: Ano naman ang holiday para sa mga tatay?
Abe: Father’s Day, ma’am!
Teacher: Ano naman ang holiday ng mga buntis?
Abe: Labor Day po Ma’am!
Teacher: Ano naman ang tawag sa holiday ng mga binata na walang girlfriend?
Abe: Palm Sunday Ma’am!
Marie: Tama na yang beer na yan. Inum ka ng inom, magastos!
Elmer: Ikaw, make-up ka ng make-up, maastos!
Marie: Alam mo, kaya ako nagmamake-up para laging maganda ako sa iyo!
Elmer: Alam mo ba na kaya lagi akung inom ng inom ng beer para gumanda ka naman sa paningin ko!
TANING NG BUHAY…
Pagkatapus ng kanyang “executive check-up”, kinausap ng Doctor si Abe:
Doctor: Atty. Abe, I am sorry to tell you that you have brain cancer. May taning na ang buhay mo at ang pinakamatagal ay anim na buwan.
Abe: Wala na bang pag-asa Doctor?Ano po ang maganda kung gagawin?
Doctor: Mag-asawa ka ng pangit at bungangera.
Abe: Bakit Doctor, gagaling ba ako pag pangit at bungangera ang mapapangasawa ko?
Doctor: Hindi. Pero pag ganun ang mapapangasawa mo, hindi na masakit ang mamatay kasi mas mabuti pa ang mamatay kaysa mabuhay!…hehehe
SEX WITH A PATIENT, UNETHICAL BUT SEX WITH A CLIENT, NORMAL?
Doctor Rene received a Notice to Vacate his clinic from the Building Administrator for “unethical conduct”.
He immediately went to see his friend, Atty. Abe, for legal advice regarding his options on the matter.
Atty. Abe: Doc, what is the basis of the Building Administrator to eject you from that building?
Doc. Rene: Allegedly based on unethical conduct, Atty.
Atty. Abe: What is the evidence of the Building Administrator constituting “unethical conduct”, doctor?
Doc. Rene: The sworn statements of two (2) security guards of the building who saw me having sexual intercourse with my patient, Atty.
Atty. Abe: Did you really have sexual intercourse with your patient, Doctor?
Doc Rene: Yes, Atty. Did I violate any law? I heard from unimpeachable sources that you had sexual intercourse with some of your beautiful and sexy lady clients, is that not also unethical?
Atty. Abe: To me, sex with a client is normal. But you, Doctor, sex with your patient is unethical. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE A VETERINARIAN!
WHO IS THE LUCKIEST PARENT?
It was an alumni homecoming in a top university in Manila. The classmates were talking about their children.
Marvin: I am very lucky. My only son topped the Bar Exams five (5) years ago and he is now a partner in one of the most prestigious law offices in Makati. He earns millions per month. His Law Office is the retainer of 12 of the top 100 corporations in the Philippines. He gifted his girlfriend a 2013 Red Porsche Carrera worth more than P10M! He gives her a monthly allowance of P50,000.00!
Sonny: I also consider myself very lucky. My only son finished his Masters in Business Administration at Harvard Business School and is now the CEO of a big telecommunications company earning millions in salaries and allowances per month. Like your son Marvin, he is still single. He just gifted his girl-friend one of the 4 penthouses at The Bellagio in Global City worth P40M, more expensive than the unit of former Chief Justice Renato Corona which is in the lower floors. He gives his gf P100,000 per month as her allowance.
Auggie: My son is the top cardiologist at St. Luke’s. His patients include the top CEO’s of the biggest corporations in the country. His income is over P5M per month. He gifted his girlfriend a vacation house in Baguio City worth P20M! He gives his gf P100,000 monthly allowance.
Larry, one of their closest classmates 20 years ago was very sad and was not talking. They asked him about his only son.
Larry. I am very sad to tell you that my only son did not finished college. He is gay but appears to be a perfectly-beautiful woman though he has not undergone sex change. He has no work but gives me P50,000.00 per month as my allowance. One of his bf’s gifted him a 2013 Red Porsche Carrera which he drives around the city plus monthly allowance. He lives at the most expensive penthouse at The Bellagio in Global City which was a gift from another boyfriend who also gives him P100,000 monthly allowance and if he is tired of the heat and pollution in Metro Manila, he goes to his P20M mansion in Baguio City which was a gift from another bf who like the other two (2), does not know that he is a man!
Yesterday, Ms. Maldita, the very beautiful and sexy secretary of a middle-aged lawyer in Baguio came to my office to engage my legal services in filing a criminal case against her boss.
Maldita: Attorney, I want to engage yourlegal services. I want to file a criminal case against my boss, Atty. Jack Ibagbaga.
Atty. Larry: Anung kaso Miss?
Maldita: Sexual harassment, Attorney!
Atty. Larry: Bakit sexual harassment?
Maldita: Sinabihan nya ba naman akung “ang bango ng buhok mo!”
Atty. Larry: Eh anung masama nyan? In fact, he was praising you.
Maldita: Attorney, unano ang boss ko! Unano!…hehehehe